They Are Your Shoes

Longing for more than myself.
Studying the alive.
Learning from the dead.
Wondering about wandering,
Is it really all that they crack it open to be?
I have tried a little wandering myself,
I found it to be harrowing.

What do I love?
Joy in the everyday.
Coffee is really close,
Wine slides into second.
I suppose that there is the threat of separation
Even with beverages,
but they have been around for quite some time,
and I am pretty sure that given even the bleakest of
circumstances there are hordes that would
prioritize the importance of coffee and alcohol.
Beverages are pretty close to immortal.
That is somewhat comforting.

Relationships on the other hand.
Be still my palpitating heart.
The darn ships take so long to figure out
Are so freaking hard to sail
And then they sink
Time and time and time and time again
The darn ships sink to the bottom of
Deep, blue sea, leaving me with
The devil for company.

Anyone that is in a relationship with me now
Will wonder if I am calling them the devil,
Goodness, NO!
If you are in a relationship with me now,
You are a saint, Sweetheart, a saint.

The devil is the voice inside my head,
the one that says that just as soon as I find
the skills necessary to navigate the stormy seas
I will be harvested by the reaper.
Or maybe I won't ever find the skills
Maybe there is a sailing purgatory
Forever taunting
Until you get it right
But you never will
What would be the fun in that
Who are these gods?

Which leads me to the "hope" of religion,
Which sounds a lot like this to me...
"God loves a select few. We want to say that God
unconditionally loves everyone, and we do actually say that, but the truth is that our God is an elitist that loves people more based on race and gender, and you, Amy, are somewhat outside of his favorites list, and always have been, seeing as how you are a "grafted" ethnicity, and a girl..."

The Goddess, on the other hand, she understands. I really want to get to know her better, but it seems that she loves covens.... she loves rituals, she loves dance parties, she loves temples, and she loves beauty. All those things seem to require people, strong, sensitive, beautiful people, preferably, but we all seem broken to little pieces by the angry hand of patriarchy. The Goddess and the God, I have no "Good Book" about them besides the earth and the creatures and the celestial heavens.... Like a little hedgehog, I am.

I saw a picture on social media the other day of a man forcing a woman to suck his dick. He was wildly supported in this, because the woman was just a picture and she wasn't really doing the deed, but it looked like she was, which is highly disrespectful to all women. What was particularly disturbing was how many women approved because they didn't like the individual woman who was being disrespected. They approved of a man forcing a woman into a perceived sexual act because they didn't like the woman and they rejoiced at the thought of destroying her reputation, or what might be left of it.... that is at the core of our society. Things that people would find wildly despicable on the one hand they tend to find acceptable if they think the person "deserves" it... and the reasons for "deserving" it are almost always related to conditioned opinions.

I have been hearing a thought lately from several places along the lines of, "your greatest weakness is also your greatest strength." I think that for our society it is money. I think that for me it is thinking. I don't know what to do with all my thoughts. They aren't all good ones, but I really don't know which ones are any good and which ones aren't and even if I did know how to tell them apart I don't know what to do with them.

Everyone has thoughts, but it seems to me that some people aren't particularly good at thinking. They are better at something else... we need to work together, but they think they are good at thinking which scares me, because maybe I only think I am good at thinking. There are certainly those that enjoy telling me I am full of crap, and sometimes they are very correct, but if they would take the time to talk to me about why they feel that way it would help me reason my way through whatever it is and come to a slightly adjusted perspective, no doubt. That doesn't mean we would come to an agreement. Everyone seems designed to live life with bias, it is as if it is programmed into our life projection for the purpose of balance, or something....

At any rate, the most interesting thing about life for me these days is relationships, and what makes them tick. Are all "strong" relationships primarily based on mutual need? It doesn't seem that they start out that way all the time, but truly it does seem to be what decides longevity.... mutualism.

I have to ask myself, "Has my heart grown cold?" I am so tired of the bull shit, so tired of the lies, so weary of the shallow existence that the masses pursue with their health and wealth and sanity. Not that sanity is the goal, there are different types of insanity, some are good, some are not so good. The insanity that decided to go with gut instinct and fly when you have never flown before, even with sharks in the water below you, that is a good type of insanity, albeit a potentially deadly one, but the insanity that says "don't fly," stay here on this beach and starve in loneliness and fear, that is an insanity that is not the good kind. (Watch a documentary on Albatrosses for greater insight into that analogy.) You might argue that they are both types of sanity, perhaps, until you put yourself in that position, until you realize that is your life, you don't even have pretend to wear those shoes, they are your shoes.

Would it be true, then, that at the essence of what we have "failed" at most sadly is also what is most likely our life calling?