Worthwhile Whimsy

Whimsical wanderings
Whimsical roots
Whimsical memories in rubber boots

The child with time to wonder and play
Will grow up with joy in their heart to stay

Protect them, dear mothers
Protect their joy
While they are little
Each girl, each boy

Support them, dear fathers
If you can
Remember the child
Within the man

Each adult has a child
Each child an adult
Inside them, to guide them
Seeking what can't be bought.

Being a Parenting Style and Ecosystems

Today it strikes me in a neat and tidy fashion that I don't have a parenting style, I am a parenting style. From a very young age I felt naturally compelled to "mother" little creatures and even my own mother. Interestingly, I preferred living things to the imagination of nurturing. I really didn't enter into playing with toys very much, a little bit, but my earliest memories involve other people and nature and a few favorite items that I just liked to look at and then I learned to read and devoured books. As a teenager I became increasingly convinced that I literally should become a mother, and thankfully I found my man, not just any man, but my man, the one I needed, the one that showed me that I am more than a mother, interestingly. As I raised my children I began to understand what it really means to be a mother. It isn't just about caring, although that is a huge part of it, but it is also about responsibility and observation and thinking, a lot of thinking.

In caring about my children I have realized that I have learned a few things about relationships in general, how I interact with others that I might be close to in varying degrees. First, I like to take care of their physical needs, food, warmth, home remedies for illness, etc. Then I move on to mutual respect and safety. With my children that would be the focus of the toddler years. With relationships it is the deciding factor of how close that relationship gets. If mutual respect can be established, as it fortunately seems to have mostly been in our home with the current teenagers, then we can move on to the discussions of observations, shared learning, holding on and letting go. When a relationship is able to reach that point I particularly enjoy it, but I also feel the growing pains. There is less nurturing there, more mutualism.

Mutualism, that is a lot like win/win. Not every relationship falls into that category. Most of my relationships haven't. Either I am benefitting or they are benefitting, it seems. My relationship with mothers seems stuck in the infant stages, caring for physical needs. The mutual respect exists in some cases, and is non-existent in others, but certainly has not moved on well, if at all, to the discussion of observations, shared learning, holding on and letting go. When those aspects were explored they crashed and burned, which seems to be a common dilemma in many households in the actual teen years, though in my mother relationships I was not a teen at that relationship stage, I was well into my adult years and mutual respect had not been well-established.

I find myself evaluating other relationships in my life. Are they at the physical needs relationship stage, like with our local farmer and yoga instructor? Have they moved to a mutual respect stage, like with coworkers and neighbors? Who might have actually made it through all three stages of physical needs, mutual respect, and of discussions of shared observations, shared learning, holding on and letting go? See, we don't struggle with the healthy letting go with those we aren't in close relationships with. I don't generally feel a pang of anything as the post man drives by, or when I leave most places of business, we might wave, we might chat, but then we go. If one of my children was walking away I would want to know where they are going, how long will they be gone, can we be in contact in some way while they are gone, and I would miss them, the same with my husband and others I feel particularly fond of, etc...

And then there is the stage of adulthood, a relationship we largely have with ourselves. The self-nurturing stage, it lends maturity to other stages of relationships when we are able to take care of ourselves emotionally and physically. In the adult stage we take responsibility for our own needs, while realizing the delicate interconnectedness that our actions and attitudes have on our environment in far-reaching ways. To be mature, to be a real adult not just in age, is to find, and thrive in, the well- cultivated mutualism, like a healthy forest or other ecosystem.  Those ecosystems are some of our greatest teachers.