Mini-Autobiography or Self-Absorbed Narcissism? Blessed Others, You Can Judge, If You Feel Inclined.

Discrimination. 

Middle-class, white woman several generations ago immigrated from Euro countries, religious roots, married, heterosexual, pagan, home educator, no college education, stay-at-home mom of six beautiful, healthy, intelligent, creative children. Who would possibly discriminate? Ha! Who wouldn’t? Everyone gets discriminated against sooner or later. Some far more than others, it is true. The (google) dictionary definition of discrimination is:

1. the unjust or prejudicial treatment of different categories of people or things, especially on the grounds of race, age, or sex.
2. recognition and understanding of the difference between one thing and another.

So, in the first sense of the word it is the unjust bit that needs recognized and eliminated. In the second sense of the word… we should celebrate the differences! How boring would the world be otherwise?

Growing up. 

I was born to a woman and man, they were both always mama’s babies, and both were the youngest child in a large family of highly altruistic middle-upper class families. It didn’t seem to matter that much to the opinions of others that my father abused my mother on a regular basis (some knew, some didn't), that my mom leaned on me emotionally more than was healthy or decent (some knew, some cared), or that my home was the shabbiest one in a neighborhood of newer suburban dwellings (but I loved the big trees and grandma's home and land next door), fallen into disrepair we had. I was smart, cute and favored and I wasn’t personally getting physically abused. The girls I was closest to as a child found me difficult to get along with, and I suppose the feeling was vice-versa (I had and have almost zero self-awareness). Who was going to feel sorry for me for not being adopted? For not being a foster child? For not having a hard time with school grades? For being a high achiever in every way? Well, no one, why would they? Who would feel sorry for that? It didn’t matter that I was increasingly disliked because of those traits (and how grown-ups perceived them), or that the ones that might be most similarly favored and also high achievers were highly competitive, had mean girl syndrome (not all, there were a few meek and gentle souls, not feisty like me). It didn’t matter that I was too young to understand that the harder I tried to please the adults the bigger the gap I was creating with my peers. All I understood is that my mother was crying and worried about money and angry at my dad’s affair, and angry at the things she was taught about God, the only verse she seemed to really cling to for hope was “God is love,” the rest of the verses she beat herself up with, and all the counselors preached submission and gratefulness and good housekeeping. I was focused on keeping mom alive (several suicide attempts as well as the abuse), growing up and having a happy marriage… and I really liked school, until I realized it didn’t really teach me what I felt I needed/wanted to learn beyond maybe third grade… very glad for the literacy. As it turns out, mom feels that girls are less than.. no big surprise I guess, but it was a bit of shock to realize that it affected her love for her daughters, negatively. And that she actually wishes I would experience an unhappy marriage so that I could understand her suffering… wow. Thanks, but no thanks. I understand well enough.

Happy marriage.

These things don’t magically happen, although it does seem that some are more fortunate than others in finding compatibility. When I was a teenager there was a pastor in Perry County who was counseling my parents, he told me and my siblings that our marriages were doomed because of our poor examples. His curse backfired… gotta watch those curses. So far, I am one of the fortunate few. Not only have I been married to the same man for going on 20 years, I still really, really like him. We have to work at it. I appreciate how hard he works at it. That is something you can’t control, how hard the other person works at the relationship. I am blessed. I am also somewhat despised by those I know who are divorced, separated, and unhappily single. Perhaps they don’t always feel it, but sometimes they do and sometimes they say so. They might not use the word “despise,” but when you are in a puddle of blood from your own broken heart and full of loneliness you are not particularly happy for the lovers around you, especially the tried and true lovers, like a starving person watching people eat a delicious meal, but they can’t really share in this instance now can they? How many women in my life are separated, divorced, unhappily married, or haven’t found love…. most of them. The ones that are happily married to their first spouse are mostly hanging out with their husbands, as they blissfully should. My wish for the unhappy ones… healing and love, that is my wish for everyone, and stop glaring at me…. you have a future, live it, no one else can live it for you. And I know that mixed families are very blessed, but also that there are challenges specific to mixed families, I know because Jason and I are both children in mixed families, and it is hard! May you be blessed with wisdom and peace and joy and healing and love and happy futures! I think the one thing that I might be doing differently than many of the unhappy ones, is that I rarely despise those that I envy, not sure I even envy… I learn, I ask, I listen, I walk away from whatever insults my soul, and I follow my heart while bringing my brain along. I get lonely, but I also really appreciate the "simple" things in life.… I’m also rarely self-destructive. What I want (as I see it) is usually reasonable, healthy and win/win, and quite often counter-societal… seeing as how we living in an unhealthy, highly competitive society. I love comfort, but I don’t think I have a big ego… some might beg to differ… but those that know me and love me would probably agree… I am feisty, probably highly passive-aggressive, but fairly humble…. I know I am wrong and ridiculous sometimes, but I don’t let it destroy me, I try to make it right when I am convinced that I should. A lot of times others think I am wrong… and I don’t always agree with their opinion… there are a lot of opinions in the world to choose from. 

Religion.

I love to read. The Bible is a big interesting book. I loved reading it, exploring it. I was raised memorizing catechisms from Bob Jones University curriculum. I enjoyed them. Had to memorize several verses a week in elementary school. Bible camp was vacation. Daily devotions were how you started your day if you were well-balanced. I was in church several times a week and I loved being preached at. I got to know my grandfather (mother's father) through his library. He died when I was five, but that was when I learned to read. He had a lot of religious books. When I was a teenager I discovered my grandfathers old Exhaustive Concordance and I was hooked on Greek and Hebrew translations of the verses I had come to live by. Thing is… the more I learned the more I realized that theology was crap. The more I learned that theology was crap and the more I began to question that the more I began to question a lot of things. Through the study of the Bible I came to realize that the word “God” is used to cover up a lot of things that could get confusing if they were translated properly. Confusing things like… multiple gods. There aren’t many churches around here with polytheism in their doctrines…. an outspoke female polytheist doesn’t fit in very well in religious, patriarchal circles. Welcome to the pagan world, Amy. Unfortunately, I reek of conservative values. Not that I actually promote them, exactly, but I like living them. I don’t preach them to my children, but I am not going to change my life just to fit in with the ones that aren’t living like conservatives. So I don’t really fit in with the conservatives or the liberals… not really. Kind of like a black, gay, muslim, mexican, "ugly" woman, in a wheel chair at a Trump rally, they might contradict themselves by saying, "Oh yes, we believe in unity," but you know they don't... the same holds true for liberals, if you "smell"

too conservative they don't seem to easily accept you, understandably considering how untrustworthy conservatives are. I don't have any tattoos. My piercings are just the regular earring variety. I am a one lover, straight woman that has done her part to "overpopulate" the world. I have never dabbled in illegal drugs. I don't drink beer, but at least I do love wine and other "girlie" drinks. I don't smoke. I don't eat sushi. I am not vegan or vegetarian, but I do favor organic. I am not a career woman. I have never been arrested for environmental activism, or arrested for anything else for that matter..... Lol.... Are there any other stereotypes I can attribute to liberal "acceptance of other liberals?" Sorry, folks... I do think you are all fascinating, and Jason fits into quite a few more liberal stereotypes than me, so sometimes there is acceptance by association... nicely. 

Sex.

I am for it. Have sex. Are there rules? Perhaps innocence should be championed to a point? Consent would be a big thing in my opinion… But otherwise, not really. Are there consequences for better or worse? Yes! Know what they are to the best of your ability, and how they might affect you before having to pay them…. 

Gender. 

I don’t think I have a gender bias, hard to say considering the frequent disrespectful objectifying of women and demeaning of emotions and feminine thoughts and attitudes, but I also have a wonderful husband and awesome son, and my daughters have done a lot to show me that girls/women are awesome too… so no, I don’t think it is a gender bias, but I do believe in hormones. They need to be understood and respected. On the other hand… those stories of history… WOW!!!! Humans are capable of such sad atrocities, such cold hearts have wrought such sad stories. We need to be aware of the danger of gender discrimination (and other unjust biases), and how the danger of regretful societal behaviors is still very existent, and we also need to be careful not to swing the pendulum from victimizing one group to victimizing the group that was just victimizing them, and we need to accept that not everyone is going to fit “neatly” into our concepts of male/female roles, or any roles. Who are we to say what human roles are? Let each find their own way… so long as they aren’t physically (or otherwise) forcing themselves onto others…. 

Politics.

Hello, how are ya, Politics? Just getting to know ya… you are a bit of a big deal, but only because of what you affect…. and how much you affect it. Currency is important, but when it gets too big for its britches… new pants need made, or it needs put on a healthier diet. Politics and ethics are inseparable, but politics and religion need lots of space between them… very important that… for low suffering levels. This year I became a Democrat, not for the party, but because that was what I had to do to vote for Bernie. I didn’t realize until then how much I am not Republican, or how much most of my area is! I am probably not that much of a Democrat either… but I do find them much less offensive these days. The third parties don’t suit me any better… maybe Independent, but what does that really mean as far as a party goes?

Mommy wars.

Most moms really want to do what is best for their children. So, when someone tells you that you are doing it wrong you tend to "lose your shit" in their general direction, and sometimes in their specific direction. Many women are starting to be more compassionate toward each other, but not all. I have certainly gotten less dogmatic over the years, but that doesn’t change the climate of guilt by association. "Crunchy" moms, and home school moms are a trailblazing bunch… I admire the movement that I am a part of, but each family is unique in their approach, not a lot of solidarity, unsurprisingly, though the ones outside the movement tend to lump us all together. They are forgiven for their ignorance, as far as I am concerned, but it is can be exhausting to have to educate the “rest of the world" about “socialization” and what it is and isn’t, and there is so much more to us than that, though it is a lengthy explanation to say what. My children haven’t won any impressive awards, and they don’t have any concrete goals for their future… “gasp” lol! But I have watched many, many young adults pursue goals that they later regretted. Why force goals? They are living full, healthy, well-rounded lives. They are being, and being well. I am glad that I was able to make all the choices that I made for them, and I am glad when they make choices for themselves. I don’t feel that my choices need to be everyone’s choices, I don’t even feel that my own children need to follow in any of my footsteps. I want them to respectfully view me as a loving and valuable resource for their benefit. I also have aspects of my life that are my own, hopefully being an example they can respect and learn from. I want them to know that bad examples are never an excuse for bad behavior, and I want them to realize that life is always about learning, they are learning, others are learning, take responsibility for yourself and be aware that your relationships and choices affect you for better or worse. Be a better affectation if you can and appreciate the better affectations, have mercy on the lesser affectations, but also, probably steer clear of the those people and circumstances that aren’t win/win, unless you are very specifically and clearly walking a path of worthwhile altruism. My role in their education seems successful to a point. They might never be better at grammar than me, and they are probably better at math… I am not their all. Their father is not their all. We have led them to the best resources we could find for them according to how we interpreted their needs, their personal goals and the letter of the law. They also need other people. They need to go find those people sooner or later, they certainly have already found many blessed friends and acquaintances. I did not feel that daytime childhood institutionalization was the best answer for finding those other people… especially not forced institutionalization, since as soon as they got to a point where they could weigh in on decisions they were able to choose where they wanted to spend their childhood days. If they felt deprived in any way we would have sought to remedy that. They understand the difference between need and want. Deprivation is often about necessities, but wants should also be respected with balance and appreciation. I have tried to help them understand the consequences of decisions and how right and wrong are often subjective. Their are a lot of great parents out their with amazing children, I am glad that everyone is not exactly like us, but I also wouldn’t mind (would really, really love) meeting a few more people with whom we have a lot in common. 

More Parenting.

I do know how babies are made. I have been asked that more than once while being pregnant. (Rude gesture temptation.) People have a lot of opinions about parenting, as you probably know. People think I am a disciplinarian because my children tend to be “well-behaved.” I don’t really know why I have children that are always a pleasure to be around. I mean, I know how I got pregnant…  I know how they were born…. I know what life has been like together… I know that I do things differently than almost everyone I know… I know that there are a lot of other children that are also a pleasure to be around… and some that aren’t. Loudness, for babies, usually was a sign that care was needed, exhausting, but not too difficult to understand. Beyond the infant years loudness…  take it elsewhere, or excuse me as I go find somewhere more quiet… that might be my biggest parenting strategy. Character concerns were along the lines of, “Is that how you would want to be treated?” Sometimes they were given a segment of time and a place to consider the question for a short while, like a corner. Not so much… “Do unto others,” but more, “Do you really think you should have done that? And can you explain why?” Be a kind sort of person, as opposed to force your version of kindness on others, and please help me to understand your reasons when you haven’t seemed kind…. But truly… that has been a very small aspect of parenting in this home. Mostly it is just about creating an environment of compatibility, care and learning, and trying to grow to know how each other feels loved, secure and hopeful. Lots of books can give you outlines of advice, and maybe some of them are worth the 50 cents from the thrift bin, but no one can tell you who your child is except your child. That was/is the exciting part… getting to know these people who will always be among the most special people to me in the entire world. There are also a lot terrifying concerns regarding their well-being and also extreme feelings of parental inadequacy…. challenging thoughts. Mercy. 

Career

I respect those who have one. I also respect those who don’t. I like when people feel good about their career, I don’t like when they are snobby about it, and I feel sorry for people that have invested a lot of time and money and effort into decisions that they largely regret, the learning experiences of the unhappy ones have taught me the most, so thanks for sharing about your paths and choices and thoughts. I am growing in respect for those who leave a legacy that benefits the future. I would love to be counted among them…. but it usually involves vision and sometimes sacrifice… we shall see. Not sure I have a strong vision and I am not sure how much I am willing to sacrifice. Besides being an at-home type mother, which by the way is a very honorable full-time career, one that I find has been most complemented by being partnered up with a father, but I realize that is not always possible or necessary in the long term for others… for me it has been ideal. Looking ahead to when I am not needed full-time for parenting, I am leaning toward and investing in… energy healing through Reiki and Harp Therapy…. controversial perhaps, but very soothing, and that fits in nicely with my years of nurturing motherhood experience. 

Pause 

I think that might be all for now. If you have actually taken the time to read this, thank you! I feel interesting as a result of your attention. I would love to hear your feedback, because you are interesting too.