Looking at Thoughts

I long for something.

I'm not sure what.

I feel it when I hear the struggles of others, when I know I have had similar struggles and have found something that has helped, but they don't want to try it, or they say it won't work for them for xyz reasons.

I feel it when I like someone and they don't like me back.

I feel it when I don't feel like I even like myself.

I feel it when I don't like other people.

I feel it when I am happy, because I know that life is fleeting.

I feel it when I am sad and feel alone.

I feel it when it when I am joyful, and scared.

I feel it when I don't feel alone.

There is almost always a longing for something.

I feel like I am getting closer to knowing what that something is, perhaps because of the process of elimination. Perhaps because certain aspects of this longing have been fulfilled, while others have grown increasingly stronger.

My desire to understand healing has grown stronger, while my desire to nurture has diminished.

My desire to understand psychological influences has grown stronger, while my love of baking and sewing have nearly disappeared altogether.

My love of music is faint, while my love of theories consumes my thoughts.

What do I long for? I feel like I connect with it momentarily while meditating, and sometimes while doing yoga. Sometimes when I awake from dreams I feel like I am leaving something behind that I want to keep with me while waking. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by a sense of completeness, and I am not sure why, and then I am left seeking the cause of that feeling, like an addiction. Some people say that we shouldn't trust our feelings, I don't trust those people. I don't trust anyone or anything, I don't feel like I should. Trust seems irrelevant. I want to know why. Why seems relevant. Why do people do what they do? What is their motivation?

I feel like maybe if I can understand the motivations of others I might be able to better understand my own motivations, but I just feel distanced.... I feel very disconnected from people in general. I don't necessarily want to be, but their motivations are not my motivations, even if their motivations benefit me, they still aren't necessarily my motivations.... What are my motivations? I think that is what I am searching for.....

What motivates me?

It seems so obvious when I look at others, their motivations usually seem to shine like neon lights, but I can't seem to see my own motivations.

Trying to step back and view myself as I view others, I think it might have to do with an image of keeping a cozy home with alternating seasons of hospitality and solitude. Perhaps that is what is coming.... that has never fully been for me, perhaps that is why the longing remains. A home is a powerful place, a power that should be used for good.